Prandaj gruaja duhet të përmbushë të drejtat e burrit

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Gruaja muslimane e adhuron Zotin e saj (Subhanehu ue Te ala) duke përmbushur të drejtat që ka ndaj burrit. Ajo pret shpërblim dhe një fund të lavdërueshëm prej Zotit (Subhanehu ue Te ala) të saj. Ajo nuk i përmbush të drejtat e burrit të saj në formën e reciprocitetit; nëse ai i jep asaj, ajo ia kthen atij dhe nëse ai nuk i jep asaj as ajo nuk i jep atij. Ajo i jep atij në bazë të fjalëve të profetit (salAllahu alejhi ue selem): ”Ju nuk jeni përgjegjës për më shumë se me sa jeni obliguar dhe
ato janë vetëm përgjegjëse për atë me të cilën janë obliguar.” 37 Ajo përmbush detyrat e saj sepse ajo e di se Allahu (Azze ue Xhel) nuk i le
veprat e mira të shkojnë bosh. Një grua e mirë muslimane e di se të drejtat e burrit janë të mëdha në Islam. Profeti i saj i dashur (salAllahu alejhi ue selem) ka thënë: ”Po të kisha obliguar dikë që ti bëjë sexhde dikujt tjetër (pos Allahut), do ta kisha urdhëruar gruan që ti bëjë sexhde burrit të
saj. Gruaja nuk ka përmbushur të drejtat e burrit të saj para se ai të dëshiron të ketë marrëdhënie me të kur ajo është ulur në një
shalë të vogël dhe ajo i përgjigjet atij.” 38 Profeti besnik (salAllahu alejhi ue selem) ka thënë: ”Gruaja nuk do të ndjej ëmbëlsinë e besimit derisa ajo të mos
përmbush të drejtat e burrit të saj.” 39

Gruaja muslimane pra ndien ëmbëlsinë e besimit kur ajo i plotëson të drejtën e burrit të saj. Profeti (salAllahu alejhi ue selem) ka thënë:
”Gruaja nuk e plotëson të drejtën e Allahut derisa ajo nuk e plotëson të drejtën e burrit të saj.” 40
Gruaja e drejtë plotëson përzemërsisht të drejtën e burrit të saj. Ajo nuk e rritë asnjë nga ato që ia bën burrit të saj. Përse? Sepse ajo e di se profeti i saj (salAllahu alejhi ue selem) u shprehë në një mënyrë madhështore kur ai tha se çka do që të bëjë gruaja për burrin e saj kështu që ai
meriton gjithmonë më mirë. Profeti (salAllahu alejhi ue selem) ka thënë: ”Po të kishe qenë korrekt që një njeri ti bëjë sexhde një njeriu
tjetër, do ta kisha urdhëruar gruan që ti bëjë sexhde burrit të saj për shak se e drejta e tij mbi të është aq madhështore.” 41
Profeti (salAllahu alejhi ue selem) ka thënë gjithashtu: ”Sikurse ta dinte gruaja se çfarë të drejta burri i saj ka mbi të, ajo
nuk do të ulej kur dreka e tij dhe darka iu servohet deri sa ai të ketë mbaruar ngrënien e ushqimit.” 42

Kur gruaja e drejtë muslimane i plotëson të drejtat e burrit, ajo nuk ia kujton ato atij. Ajo madje e kupton se çfarë merita ai ka mbi të, sepse ajo
vepron përgjatë fesë së saj dhe merr parasysh fjalët e profetit të saj (salAllahu alejhi ue selem) për të cilat Zoti i tij tha:

”Juve ju erdhi i dërguar nga lloji juaj, atij i vie rëndë për vuajtjet tuaja, sepse është lakmues i rrugës së drejtë për ju, është i
ndijshëm dhe i mëshirshëm për besimtarët.” 43 Asaj nuk i intereson për joshjet e shejtanëve xhin dhe njerëz, që në pamjen e jashtme duken si të mëshirshëm dhe flasin për të drejtat e njeriut ndërsa brenda janë një dënim i qartë. Shejtani përdor miqtë e tij në mesin e njerzve dhe xhinëve për të shkatërruar shtëpinë e gruas.
Gruaja e drejtë dhe e bekuar e di se ajo nuk është një shërbëtore e nënshtruar në shtëpinë e saj, por ajo e di se çfarë pozicioni ajo ka në
shtëpinë e saj. Ajo është përgjegjëse për shtëpinë e saj dhe një nga përgjegjësitë e saj është se ajo i plotëson të drejtat e burrit të saj.
Profeti (salAllahu alejhi ue selem) ka thënë:
”Gruaja është baresh në shtëpinë e burrit të saj dhe ajo është përgjegjëse për kopenë e saj.” 44
Profeti (salAllahu alejhi ue selem) ka thënë gjithashtu:
”Nuk ka rob të cilin Allahu e ka bërë përgjegjës për kopenë e tij dhe vdes në një gjendje ku ai e ka tradhtuar kopenë e tij vetëm se Allahu ia ndalonë xhenetin atij.” 45

Ne duhet ti´a mësojmë grave atë që është transmetuar nga profeti (salAllahu alejhi ue selem) në lidhje me të drejtat e burrit mbi gruan kështu që gruaja mund ta knaqë Zotin e saj dhe që lumturia të realizohet në shtëpinë e saj.

I know that it sounds like a plot of a soap opera, but unfortunately this story is based on an actual client that I had a few years ago.  I hear stories about Muslim couples on a weekly basis that are involved with infidelity. There is a whole spectrum of inappropriate behavior for married men from flirting at the office or online, going on dates or getting prostitutes.  Yes, you read correctly. Many practicing men seek out prostitution to get sexually fulfilled when married.  Although many feel ashamed from their behavior there are some that actually try to justify and excuse their actions.

Adolescence All Over Again

When men approach the age of 40 or they are in their mid 40’s something very strange happens to them.  They start questioning their looks, vitality, and ability to attract other women.  They wonder if they still have it – it being charm, appeal and good looks. Some men who have lived a chaste life start questioning their choices. They start feeling dissatisfied with their spouse thinking that they could have done much better.  Other times they may love their wife, but they are fascinated with getting the attention of other women. In many ways, a 40 year old regresses to an adolescent with raging hormones that acts impulsively without any regards to the consequences of their behavior. Since they have a new sense of confidence, status, achievement and wealth in their 40’s, they feel that they could attract more intriguing women.

I used to think that midlife crisis was a Western phenomenon.  I thought that as long as a man has a good, strong connection with Allah and a happy marriage then there is no fear of midlife crisis.  If he is aware of the consequences of his actions and he knows what’s right and wrong then how could he fall into such a grave mistake?  I came to realize that not only is it possible to fall into a mistake, but it is also quite common.  Just because someone knows that eating right and exercising is good for them and eating junk food is harmful does not guarantee that they will do what is right & beneficial.  In the same way, people find justifications, loopholes and excuses to fulfill their ever growing lusts & desires.

“Have you seen him who takes his low desires for his god? Are you a guardian over them? Or do you think that most of them hear or understand? They are but as the cattle; nay, they are farther astray from the path.” (Surat Al-Furqan, 25:43–44.)

Different Types of Infidelity

And do not mix the truth with falsehood or conceal the truth while you know [it].Surat Al-Baqarah 2:42

Many times it is the small, “white” lies that lead to very destructive behaviors such as emotional, physical or financial infidelity.

 Emotional– emotional infidelity is when you become emotionally attached to someone of the opposite gender other than your spouse.  This could include texting, chatting, video calls, talking & flirting at work or at school.  When you are investing in a relationship other than your marriage you are introducing a cancer in your relationship.  It will destroy the trust, intimacy and level of commitment when you have someone on the side to confide in.  Now with the advent of social media emotional infidelity has become much more prevalent and it has taken the place of workplace flirting.

Physical – typically infidelity is seen as two people having a physical relationship.  This could range from touching, kissing to having sexual relations. Generally this is harder for most spouses to forgive.  When the relationship is physical it becomes extremely challenging to restore the marriage.  Intimacy and sexual relationship suffers since the spouse who was betrayed will constantly think of the other woman during the act and they become obsessed with the details of the physical interactions.

Financial – this is not the scope of the discussion but I thought it’s important to include it since it is so prevalent and very few people see it as infidelity.  Financial infidelity is when one spouse spends secretly without telling their spouse.  It can really break the trust between a husband and wife when there is secrecy in spending, lying about expenditures and hiding.

Causes of infidelity

Lack of Friendship or Emotional Bond – it’s very common for the person committing the infidelity to feel emotionally detached to their spouse.  They feel underappreciated which leads to resentment and built up frustration.  Most couples live as roommates and lack a friendship with their spouse that causes excessive loneliness in their marriage.  Many times the relationship starts off very innocently.  They begin by sharing about their day, work and family life.  As they lower their guards, they may reveal more and more about their dissatisfaction with their marriage.  Once they have shown a weakness in their relationship, then they become a prey for others seeking companionship.

Lack of Sexual Fulfillment – many people lack sexual fulfillment in their marriage due to inhibition, lack of interest or lack of sexual compatibility.  It is very rare to see couples that have a fulfilling sexual relationship.  Generally this aspect of the relationship is ignored.  Most couples don’t even feel comfortable discussing the subject with their spouse much less asking for ways to be fulfilled.  As this aspect of their marriage is ignored they become more and more likely to pursue another relationship.

Looking for Variety – I have had many men start their conversation in therapy by saying they love their wife, they find her beautiful and they have a good physical intimacy, but they want variety.  They want to know what it would be like to be with other women.  They crave getting attention from the opposite gender and wish they could spice up their life with the thrill of a chase and hidden relationships.

Warning Signs to Lookout for:

  • Spouse starts to act or dress differently
  • Sudden change in appearance
  • Secrecy with phone and all electronic devices
  • Hidden passwords
  • Different email & FB accounts
  • Acting aloof and distant
  • Being irritable
  • Being secretive about where they go
  • Not including you in their work, activities and social life
  • Sudden unexpected trips not related to work
  • Coming home excessively late on a regular basis
  • Acting arrogantly or reminding you how great others think they are
  • Uninterested in physical intimacy

The Effects of Infidelity on the Spouse Who Was Cheated on

  • Distrust
  • Suspicion
  • Loneliness
  • Depression
  • Anxiety
  • Suicidal ideation
  • Insomnia
  • Anger
  • Low self-esteem
  • Feeling of inadequacy

The Effects of Infidelity on the Unfaithful Spouse

  • Guilt
  • Withdrawn
  • Incongruence between beliefs and actions
  • Low self-esteem
  • Feeling of neglect
  • Feeling isolated
  • Impatient
  • Frustrated due to the constant reminders
  • Ostracized by the family

How to React When You Find Out About the Affair:

I know that the common reaction is yelling & getting angry, but that is not going to get you the results you want. One client I had described how she wanted to rip her husband apart when she found out that he was seeing other women, but I told her that she needs to remain calm, level headed and act wisely. By doing this her husband apologized, felt guilty and took initiative to end the relationships.

Remain calm – if you overreact by screaming you will make him feel rejected. This will make him feel more distant to you and closer to the woman who is making him feel so cherished.

Make Sure You Have Solid Facts and You Are NOT Assuming – if you just have a hunch that he is seeing someone don’t confront him.  Only if you have come across texts or emails that are discriminating.

Address Your Spouse – you need to let them know so they have a chance to explain.  Many times it’s not as bad as you assume and by asking many ambiguities are cleared up.  If it is a full blown affair you can NOT pretend it didn’t happen.  It will destroy you to keep this from your spouse and he will be able to know that there is something wrong.  You need to address this vital issue to save him and your marriage.  Even if it’s an emotional affair you have to let him know that you found out to put an end to it.

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